I am all for the First Amendment. Say what you want. However, if I hear these five words again, I will clamp my hands over my ears. Permanently.
1) “AWESOME!”
After 15 years of verbal assault, this word is still hanging around. If recaptured by film, the spider in Charlotte’s Web may replace “some pig,” “terrific,” or “humble” with “AWESOME!” Then Wilbur will be required, by courtesy of updated computer tactics, to perform a triple Salchow, triple toe-loop to the thrill of gen z huddled over their mobile devices. If the plucky little pig cannot pull off this feat, Farmer Zuckerman will dispatch him to quick bacon-hood as opposed to glory at the state fair. (Fern did not comment as of presstime.)
2) “You look AMAZING!”
How else would we compliment boney, red-carpet divas, Miss America, Mrs. America, Miss Teen USA, Miss USA, Miss Universe, America’s Top Model, and blushing brides for yet another season?
3) “This has been an AMAZING JOURNEY!”
That one drops out of the mouth of every person on a reality show who hangs on to the season finale. Particularly obnoxious are shallow players in “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette”—booked by agents in search of fast money made on fresh bodies. (If you want to comment on shows that sink to a lower depth, feel free.) For the sensible TV viewer, the vacuous “amazing journey” is the highway to cliché hell.
4 & 5) “I must leave it there. But we know this issue will continue as part of the NATIONAL CONVERSATION.”
Certain pundits repeat this lame closing after a two-minute pseudo debate between opposing political entities who have engaged in a shouting match littered with cherry-picked facts and quotes out of context.
Enough said.
Credit:
Paisley Abbey Gargoyle by Colin
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