On the Matter of the Kimye Bedroom Portrait

Musicians_and_dancers_on_fresco_at_Tomb_of_NebamunWell, folks, I thought I was done with my Kimye blog post romp. Not so.

This morning I scanned The Huffington Post and spotted this morsel by Stephanie Marcus: “The Mirror reports that the 36-year-old rapper commissioned street artist Bambi . . . to paint a topless portrait of his new wife wearing just a G-string and Louboutin heels. It’s titled Perfect Bitch.”


I found this amusing because these celebs are obsessed with admiring themselves in mirrors, and the Mirror faithfully follows them. This outlet is the online version of Brit pub The Daily Mirror, whose tagline was “intelligent tabloid” until the Trading Standards Agency ruled that they must remove it (January 2014).

level correct 286px-Venus_de_Milo_Louvre_Ma399_n4_peYears ago, The Daily Mirror sacked editor Piers Morgan, recently dumped by CNN. Go figure.

The man is such a skilled, wily interviewer. Piers asked every guest this piercing question: “Have you ever been properly in love?” To which many a famed person’s facial expression said, “WTF?” (I apologize to my family matriarchs. I typically avoid expletives.)

Hmm. Did I miss a segment in which Piers posed this question to Kimye? I suppose I will break down and watch the season opener of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” to find the answer to this deep question.

For the object of his affection, Mr. West already blew a bunch of bucks on gifts: a flower tower on Mother’s Day, a 20-foot flower tower on their wedding day, and an oversize Hermès Birkin bag festooned with hand-painted naked ladies last Christmas.


Mr. West, if you suddenly become thrifty, you might consider buying reprints of Mrs. West’s nude photos in Playboy. Then you could wallpaper your room with blown-up images complemented by mirrors bouncing off the light of gigantesque Baccarat crystal prisms.

sharpenLes_Demoiselles_d'Avignon_peHey, you can always change out the images when you redecorate. After your baby’s birth in 2013, Mrs. West revealed, “I want to do Playboy [again].” My, my—the urban use of the verb do mightily resonates.

Alternatively, you could download copyright-free nude masterpieces and Photoshop Mrs. West’s amazing form over the fetching women who have garnered their rightful places in art history. How classy would that be?


I just overheard my mother in heaven sighing and wringing her hands over the fact that you must explain the facts of life to underage miracle child North West if she toddles into your bedroom.


When Mrs. West busts up this marriage for her fourth trot to the altar, how much will she make auctioning off this bundle of “tasteful” art? As for the flower towers—no go. They already have wilted.

One final thought, Mr. West. Shock the world! Try a portrait with clothing.BathingSuit1920s



10 thoughts on “On the Matter of the Kimye Bedroom Portrait

  1. Pingback: On the Matter of the Kimye Bedroom Portrait | Dr Mustapha Tahir

  2. This is narcissism run amok. It really is awesome (I know you hate that word, but still…) in its sheer rampaging vulgarity. I sort of enjoy it in a “watching Rome burn” way. Great post!

  3. Lori, Lori,

    Have you heard his song “I Am a God”? There is a line about Kanye making millions and Jesus in the same sentence. Somehow the image of Jesus punishing the money changers crossed my mind.

    I need an off-the-rack empire: The Catherine the Great Collection. I need to become a country music writer (mistress of quatrains). I cannot master rap. Great hip-hop is cool, but I am too uncool for that.

  4. The art you post along the way is far more interesting than any of the celebs out there trying to make a show of everything. Narcissistic boobs most of them. Besides. What’s with the G-string… not like a pubic shot is so offensive. And will he commission one of himself dangling?

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