1. Stick with the next season of “Downton Abbey,” despite critics’ warnings and spoiler alerts. (I cannot get enough of the sharp-tongued Dowager Countess of Grantham.)
2. Learn the characters’ names on “Game of Thrones.” Top dude: Tyrion Lannister, “The Little Lion Man.” Big roar, ferocious warrior, larger-than-life trickster turned wiser. If Pretender King Geoffrey skewers his head on King’s Landing Wall, I may boycott.
3. Not lose my glasses (that includes 3 backup pairs), my keys, and my phone.
4. Update Mr. TomTom frequently. (It’s a miracle! I do not drive in as many circles as in my pre-GPS life.)
5. Build Michelle Obama upper arms.
6. Eat at least 5 fruits and vegetables per day. (OK, I know the official number is 9.)
7. Drink more water, sleep through the night, and remember people’s names (or ask them to wear perpetual nametags).
8. Faithfully run my ride through a car wash once a month. Get your funk on here.
9. Do the 2-step: Clean out the backseat of my car. Clean out the trunk of my car where the debris from the backseat lands whenever two more passengers buckle up.
10. Clean out the laundry baskets that I pile with trunk debris and then hide in my study.
11. Properly make up the bed instead of haphazardly throwing on the covers. Maybe hire the Merry Maids–they do hospital corners! See exciting step-by-step tips below.
12. Go to the recycling center and drop off the cardboard, paper, and tin cans hoarded in my basement.
13. Clean out the emails bursting from 3 accounts; ditch 2 accounts. (I am too ashamed to admit the number of emails, but this will take a 40-hour week.)
14. Take a photography class but avoid SELFIES. Michelle was more than miffed at Barak for his “blonds have more fun” selfie. Jay Carney could not gloss over this tiff. In fact, the new press aide in this clip may snag Carney’s job. Or perhaps his articulate delivery will catapult him to the FOX News prime time lineup unless MSNBC wants to embrace a correspondent who can play a multicultural Santa Claus on demand.
BTW I leave Fox’s Megyn Kelly to re-explain to children Santa’s racial i.d.–in 2014. Curiouser and curiouser.
15. Craft a non-tacky gift that the giftee will not pawn off on some poor soul.
16. Force myself to get a Twitter account because writers must now be “brands,” not persons, and have a “platform.” I am still figuring out the latter. (If you do not care about my twaddle here, skip #17.)
17. Accumulate Google+ circles. (I’m not glib enough for Instagram.) Apparently, this will help make me a “brand” with a “platform.” (OK, media experts, I am hyperbolic here.)
18. Properly identify the Middle East on a blank map; the same goes for Africa if memory will hold. This song leaves out some countries, including the “stans.” For accuracy, click on the World Atlas Middle East Map.
19. Pen one lovely letter by hand.
20. Master the elementary Spanish my ESL student is teaching me, as long as she allows me to avoid the dreaded subjunctive.
21. Write a grant for the Literacy Council.
22. Go inward to bring out a kinder, gentler moi.
23. Stay in touch with my family more often.
24. Plug in the hotline to heaven more frequently (i.e., power up prayer, especially for world peace and peace of mind for the jobless). “You Can Call God”:
25. Say “please” and “thank you” every time.
What are celebs’ 2014 resolutions?
I do not know who most of these people are. In fact, I can’t identify most people on the cover of People unless it’s George Clooney. Is this person in my future? Nope. I base my resolutions on reality.